Thursday, 2 November 2017

social experiment

I wonder if we can disconnect from our mobile phones

Well maybe not totally disconnect but perhaps stop whatsApping and texting and  actually pick up the phone and speak to someone instead of messaging.

what people do..
I am thinking of telling all my friends that I will only respond to phone calls and not texts.... will it work I wonder.  Will my friends all suddenly stop texting me and tell me to go get a hobby and not start stupid experiments?

texting is like multitasking, you can have a text conversation with someone and still carry on doing what ever it is you are supposed to do, I guess thats why people like texting.
But I find that when I text I either piss someone off or I dont understand what they are trying to say.  I also feel very pressured to reply, even when I dont want to.

Then theres Facebook, which has become a bit of a bore lately.. so I deactivated my account today, I am tired of seeing ads and bullshit and have the added pressure of adding friends.....
At least I will stop reaching for my phone and scrolling through facebook the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.

Lets see how long I can stay disconnected from facebook and if I can get my friends to call instead of texting..

Sunday, 29 October 2017

i cheated...

I have been faithful to my one and only hairdresser.

Until yesterday

I feel like I have betrayed someones trust, cheated on my one love...

It was a long time coming.  My old hairdresser was just convenient, first the shop was in my old neighbourhood, it was familiar, safe, then she moved to  the same building where I lived and it became even more convenient.

I hated going to the hairdressers, maybe because she never listened, never gave me a good haircut, but because Mum still went to her and I couldn't be arsed finding another hairdresser who I was comfortable or knew, I just stayed with her.

Before I left for the sons wedding last year I got one of the worst haircuts from my hairdresser and still I didn't stray, then she just kept giving me that bad, mullet gone wrong haircut.

So I had to do it, i cheated on my hairdresser and found a new one, and I am loving this new haircut.
oh how we fall and cheat just to feel good...

Now all I can do is pray she doesn't see me in the lift as she works and lives 5 floors below me...

Saturday, 28 October 2017

pick myself off the damn floor

So I read all my posts for 2017 and what a miserable read it was.

I seem to be wallowing in self pity with a woe is me attitude.
That is not me, that is someone I dont want to become.

Its been a difficult year but I need to shake myself up and get rid of this doom and gloom feeling.
Yes I am unemployed and will be till I start looking for a job next year.
But I am now working part time just to tide me over till the middle of November, when I leave for my holiday.
That has been my light at the end of the tunnel.  I go to Monaco to visit P and we are driving to Italy ( well P is driving me) to spend about 10 days visiting Florence, Sienna, Venice, Verona and any other little Tuscan town we can.  Tickets have been bought, hotels booked and I cant wait..
I need this holiday, I need to get away and relax and be free.

Then once I am back in Singapore after my Italian escape I have to deal with bathroom renos and then off to Canada in late January for Son no 1's operation.

My life is what I want it to be, so the possibilities are endless, I just need to take the bull by the horns and do it.. and kick myself for letting the bad year bring me down so much.

Sunday, 15 October 2017

Walk with me

always alone
Its taken me a long time to wake up and realise A will not be who I want him to be, a partner in my life.  Someone who will walk with me in my journey.

Between the times I told A to fuck off and leave me alone, I tried to date other men, One of them was P.
When I started going out with P I did see what relationships were supposed to be like, and it did scare me.  P scared me with his intensity and I retreated,  and when he found someone else, I thought I had lost him totally.  But we did meet up again as friends and his friendship has been invaluable.
I believe I carried on with A  because I thought both men were giving me a little of what I wanted.  It doesnt work that way does it. When one half is taken away you realise that the other half is woefully inadequate.

Sex once a month or less, hardly any contact, hardly any conversations, hardly anything.  When son no 2 went into hospital, I really needed someone to be there for me, and A didnt want to be that person,  why should he, he wasnt a boyfriend or partner, all we had was an arrangement,  nothing else.

Well I dont want an arrangement, I want to grow old with someone, I want a companion and partner for my remaining days on this earth.  Someone who makes me a priority, someone who isnt afraid to walk with me.

Sunday, 17 September 2017

healing the broken

There has to be something fundamentally wrong with someone who keeps fucking up their own life.

I took on a new job at the end of 2015, I went back to a company I worked for from 2001 till 2010.  They approached me and asked me to go back and I did, with a pay cut and to work a 4 day week.

The saying that one can never go back is true, I had changed but the company hadn't, and I found that people I trusted didn’t have my back.  The 4 day week wasn’t working and the numerous whats app groups and messages on Sundays were not something I wanted.  It was stressing me out. So I quit.

Yes, I do things on impulse without thinking of another means of employment, because I reach a point of no return, and just do.  Not an ideal situation but I just can't help myself.

I was reaching the stage where I seriously thought that I was going to have a nervous breakdown.  Being told repeatedly that I needed to take on more work to prove to ‘people’ that I was actually doing something and that maybe I might be thought of as redundant.  That ‘people’ kept asking what it was that I did in the office. 
Did no one know what I did, and for me it was, how could they not know…

Take on more duties and responsibilities….
I wasn’t paid to do that, nor was I offered more money or an alternative position.  I already was working on Fridays and coming back to the office when they needed me,  I was made to feel like I contributed nothing to the team, and all this came from a good friend and colleague who thought she was doing me a favour and being honest with me. How could she not speak up for me, or even think that I could be redundant?

I felt betrayed by a trusted colleague and friend. 

So I am without a job at 55 and close to a nervous breakdown.  Not an ideal situation but I am resilient and know that I will be ok, I just need time to heal the broken me.

Sunday, 30 July 2017

Refitting the kitchen.. finally

I have hated my kitchen ever since I moved into my flat.
20 years ago I didnt have the money to refit or redo anything.

20 years of working hard to save money, 20 years of scrubbing the wooden laminate counter tops, 20 years of watching the water leak under the sink, watching the cupboards split and finally this year I thought thats it, bite the bloody bullet and get it done.

goodbye old kitchen
so on Friday the 21st,  2 men came in and pulled my old cabinets apart. 
After they were done, I washed the tiles, washed the floor, waiting for Tuesday when they would be in with the new cabinets and new granite countertop.
half way through demo
tiled till the ceiling, 30 years of grime......
I worked from home all day Tuesday and Wednesday morning, while they fitted the new cupboards. A few days later, the granite countertop came in, and the sink and cooker were fitted. They also had to fit in a couple more doors, as they screwed up on the cupboard above the sink. There are a few bits I am not happy about, bad finishes that the main contractor will sort out with the cabinet makers. Then the gas man came to fit the new cooker.
almost done. I had to wait at least 24 hours before I used the kitchen but have started reorganising the place.  there are a few bits left to touch up but its all starting to come together.  I even cooked my easy grilled chicken legs for Sunday dinner..

granite going in

Doing this kitchen was, as expected, stressful but I also realised that when men see a woman alone, they will try to brush things off and kind of dominate the conversation and intimidate you into seeing it their way.  I am of course made of sterner stuff.  Stand your ground.

There were many moments that resembled a farce or worse still something out of a bad comedy.
From the contractors arguing about the wiring of the oven to them putting the cupboards wrong to telling me that if the pipe leaks it's not their problem....
Thankfully the main contractor was a very sweet man that never made me feel that way, he seemed to be the only one that had my interest at heart.  there were several heated messages from me to him complaining about what the plumber or cabinet maker said, and his messages always ..."cool down".
All Done! a little similar to the old ones 

My asthma had a field day with all the dust and mayhem and I hated sharing my bathroom with son no 2 (his bathroom was past the kitchen and blocked off most of the days) as he doesn't put the lid down when he flushes. The disruption to daily routine, things we take for granted like washing dishes in a proper sink and not in the bathroom sink or even just having things like spoons and dishes in their place.  I do not intend to live in the home when doing any other renovation...
the bathrooms will be re done soon though by the Housing development Board, probably next year and if the kitchen threw up that amount of dust I can only imagine what the dust will be like when they hack away at tiles in the bathroom.... I will move out for sure..

Anyway, I love my new kitchen, absolutely adore it..

view from the other side.

Friday, 7 July 2017

asshole magnet

So I had to take my mums old housekeeper to the airport today.  She lives in the Philippines but comes back for medical checkups as she had a mastectomy a few years ago and Mum pays for her to come back every six months for her medical checks.
There was no one to take her to the airport today and she does need someone to help her get to places as her sense of direction is bad and she is so innocent and anyone could fool her and she will have no anyway.
I  checked her in, sent her off and made sure she passed the immigration lines then took the bus from the airport to work, needed to go to work to do some stuff.

there was this man sitting and waiting for the bus, my senses did go on alert mode with this man but I was more concerned with which bus stop to change busses to get to work. The bus was empty when we boarded, and he choose to sit right behind me, senses got more alert.
 I  felt him pull a bit at my hair, thought maybe my hair was over the back of the seat and pulled it over and made sure nothing over the chair, felt it again.  pulled my hair forward again.
Inside our busses, there is enough space for someone to slip their hand on the side 
Then the dick slips his hand along the side ( i was sitting by the window) and as I had my hand away from my body, he could almost touch my breasts from the back... I felt his hand, looked down to my left and turned around and yelled at him to stop touching me.
he just shook his head and moved away to another seat.
I was not going to let him off that easy.  I went to the driver and told the driver that a man just touched me,
well driver said :   what u want me to do?
I think that shocked me more than what the man did.
Me    -   call the police
Driver - then have to stop and wait for the police

obviously I was going to inconvenience everyone

me - what are u supposed to do
Driver  stares at me blankly

By this time I was fed up, and the man was up in my face telling the bus driver that I leaned into him... really!!!!

Me to bus driver - Stop the bus and get him off
Driver stares at me blankly
Me - stop the damn bus and throw him off the bus!!!

The incident really upset me.  All I got from the other passengers was blank stares, and when the driver had told the man to get off, the other passengers started talking loudly, about me.
How lovely was that.  No one came to help me.  not even when the man was shouting at me and making threatening advances.  Not one bloody person came to help.
No wonder women dont want to report molest.  the people around us dont want to know, dont want to get involved, dont want to offer help or support.  its always the woman at fault.  That man kept saying It was me that was leaning into him and his had was just there... yeah right!

Oh and one of my friends said i should be flattered that I was still attractive to get attention... no this isnt attention.. its just wrong.  Thats not what good men do

I am still upset, I am still wondering why do I always get the assholes after me. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says " bait"
i must just be an asshole magnet

Sunday, 2 July 2017

the Pink debate

While Singapore is still a very conservative Asian society, the powers that be have allowed us mere mortals to celebrate the equality to love.  It's still a very sensitive and highly debated subject but....

the friends and me, notice the barricades..
This weekend we gathered at Hong Lim Park ( which is where we have our speakers corner but then we need a permit to go speak there…) for the annual Pink Dot Rally, a day where the LGBT community and those who support them, gather to celebrate the equality to love.

Our powers that be had to show that while they allowed ‘these people’ to gather and celebrate they had to also show that they did not encourage such behaviour.  As its usually held at Hong Lim Park, the Powers that be decreed that only Singapore Citizens and permanent residents were allowed to attend the Rally as any rally held at Hong Lim was for Citizens and permanent residents only.  They also decreed that only local sponsors could sponser this event.
The powers that be probably thought this event will die a natural death as no local company would openly show support.  They were wrong. 120 local companies and 20,000 Singaporeans showed up yesterday.  Even with barricades and security to check our Identity cards, Singaporeans turned up to show their support.

the Pink  dot on the office building
LGBT rights will divide people,  one colleague in the office was appalled that our boss was supporting the cause by having the Pink Dot logos on our building.  She even went on to say that if we ever were to pitch for an LGBT event or LGBT related event, she would refuse to do it.
Another colleague who has gay friends, says while she likes her friends she won't be able to attend their wedding as she believes it's wrong for people of the same sex to wed as her beliefs say marriage is between a man and a woman.  She also went on to tell me what her pastor said about accepting everyone's right to love…. The Pastor said “Isn't it the same as a couple who are father and child but who have sex, shouldn’t people accept that too, and people who wanted to have sex with animals,  shouldn’t people accept their right to ‘love’ too”

Listening to her, I was quite flabbergasted that the pastor used those examples to argue on the right to love..  So I tried to counter the point especially about the incest and what constitutes consent as well.  2 adults consenting is different from a father and child or an animal. 

It's something that one can argue about all day, what constitutes the right to love, who's right and   who's wrong, everyone has an opinion on this and everyone has the right to believe what they want, as long as they don’t force an opinion down someone's throat, I don’t really care what they think.  I for one am wholly supportive of same sex marriage, same sex relationships and if you wanted to have sex with a goat or camel well I doubt I would approve but...
20,000 Singaporeans showed up

LGBT, Inter racial relationships, discrimination based on skin colour, gender and yes even agesim... Its time to look at the world differently, it's time to push prejudices and discrimination aside allow people to choose who they want to love.
While I identify with discrimination I cannot think how people must feel hiding who they really are just because someone once said love and marriage must be between a man and a woman, we all deserve to be happy in our own skins.

Friday, 30 June 2017

and pigs have flown

I have always let people walk all over me.
From my family, where my siblings ‘bully’ me into submission,  but it's really just that I can't be bothered to argue, so I let them have their victories on small issues but I do dig my heels in on causes I strongly believe in.

My son – who thinks I am giving him a hard time when I expect him to man up and pick up after himself and contribute to the household expenses.

A,  who I hope will want a relationship but meekly agree to just do it his way.

I allow them to lead me up the garden path and pull me by my nose ring like the cows,  (I do have a nose ring actually) in any direction they choose.  I let it slide as I don’t like the drama that comes with confrontation, but then after a few months of running around like a headless chicken for everyone, I tend to blow up.  Like the proverbial volcano.
 I have tried to talk to people to tell them to stop, that it's not working for me,  but the words seem to get stuck in my throat.  I don’t want them to get angry with me so I swallow it all up until the volcano blows.
 Its two extremes.  I am either passive or so aggressive, that I put Jeckyll and Hyde to shame.
I am trying to change that, I am trying to confront issues but it's not working…I sweep it under the carpet and hope the pile doesn't get too big, but it does, hence Vesuvius blows.

I need to stay calm and sit the son  down and be up front about his behaviour and up front with A and tell him what I want and see where the chips fall, and tell my family to back off a bit… yeah and pigs will fly...
Hmm is that a flying pig I see..

Sunday, 18 June 2017

life in monochrome

Life is never just black & white

its never that simple

Pictures on the other hand can be, simple, clean, in monochrome
not that old a building

I have been trying to get some pictures of the old buildings i like in Singapore, buildings from the 1930's to the 1950's. There is this building I pass every day on my commute to work.  Its not old, well not that old but its dirty, moss covered, and sits alone next to a petrol station, with a spiral staircase at the back, moss covered and a little creepy..

I love spiral staircases, most of the older shophouses in the area had back access to alleys via these stone spiral staircases.

I just love them..
I have a thing for spiral staircases

probably built in the 1940's 0r 50's

see more of the pictures on my flicker page

Saturday, 17 June 2017

restless ramblings

I am sure its not only me, I am sure we all have days when we wake up in the morning and wonder “what the hell am I doing with my life”
Those sort of days seem to be getting more frequent for me.

I wonder if this is it, is this all there is to life.  I am unhappy, I know that much, but I don’t know how or what to do to change it.
Its bullshit when people  say “if you want change you just have to take that first step”

There's more to it than that.  There are other things to consider.

Responsibilities that weigh heavily.

My mother for one, and son no 2.  I want to leave everything behind, sell my home and say fuck the responsibilities and I am off, but I cant do that.  I feel tied down, constricted.

My mother said to me she was glad that P and I didn’t work out, as she was afraid that I would leave and go off with P.  that did throw me a little,  that she was so selfish and actually wanted the relationship to fail.
My mother is a complex creature who has learnt the artful use of manipulation as a tool to manipulate us,  to feel guilty, when we don’t spend all our free time with her.  The perfect Indian mother.
There are days I resent her and I hate myself for it.

I am restless because I find myself wishing son no 2 would leave home, get married and start his own family and finally I can start living my own life.
But how can a mother want her child to leave the nest… and why do I feel that I cant live my life…Ah Yes, I want to sell my flat and go find another place to live, far away from all my responsibilities and that would mean son no 2 will have no home.  My mother did a good job, I am a guilt ridden female Indian adult child. the burden of responsibilities......

I am restless also because of A, because I will not tell him the truth of what I want for fear that he will no longer want to spend the little time he does spend with me should he know the truth.  He has put me in one little compartment of his life and I am confined to that one little box.  It is getting claustrophobic.
Its almost poetic, this feeling of not belonging and the lack of feeling of belonging. its almost poetic, when people end it all
Why do people top themselves… because they feel confined, boxed in, they see no other way out

There have been dark days when I think ending it all will free me but I haven't reached that final stage where it all seems hopeless.

I talk myself back into facing life, talk myself out of the deep abyss, crawl out of that dark hole and pretend that everything is alright and I am not restless, I do belong…until the next time the darkness descends